fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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