"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
