I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
