im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
