She said her name was "party"
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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