i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
