i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
