I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
