What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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