YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
