Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
