I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
