I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
