the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
