You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
