i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
