I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
