You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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