Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
