dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
