Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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