I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
