In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
