took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
