i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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