his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
