I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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