On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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