I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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