just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
