Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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