remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
