I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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