Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
