Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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