I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
