Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
