Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
