weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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