Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
