thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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