you would pick up someone in the library
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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