Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
