i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
