My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
