it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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