A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
