We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are we still banned from the library?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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