I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My underwear smells like fireworks.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
