I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
